Yes, I know... it's been a while...

I cannot believe I have not updated since the Derby. Goodness Gracious! We made it through the Preakness and Belmont without a Triple Crown Winner - AGAIN!!! -- since the last time I posted. I PROMISE... I will do better!!!!

I will blame my status on the fact that I have gone back to college, and was therefore studying and generally doing every piece of extra credit work available in order to pass the class. What class? American History, part Uno. (I had three general ed classes yet to fulfill - and two history courses are included in that packet).

I passed the History class. Actually, I didn't just pass it - I ACED it - which made me do the happy dance for days and exclaim my good fortune to any living creature that stood still long enough. The bunnies living in the backyard were so excited for me, they went forth and multiplied! I was a bit jealous... as I was unable to celebrate in the same way. But that did not hamper my celebratory spirit!

Instead, I signed up for a summer class - Appreciation of Theatre. I Aced that bad boy too! I only had to write one paper for that class and was very pleased with my resulting grade. I also had to read several plays - and be able to understand the difference between a fly loft and a flat. Since I have built flats and helped install a fly loft in my not-too-distant past... well, let's say I was happy to have taken one more step on the way to bringing up that pitiful grade point average I had when I was much younger and less apt to actually attend class.

So far for the fall, I will be taking a communications course as well as a course in Classical Mythology. That's going to be some fun reading! I am pretty pumped about it. I'd like to get that last History course in too (American History, Part Deux) but I am not sure that I can get it online. If not... there may be some discussion as to my ability to change my work schedule in order to actually sit in a classroom with 30 or so students who will be young enough that I could have given birth to them.

How interesting, and yet completely frightening would that be? Hmmmm????

135th Kentucky Derby

Yes, it is the first Saturday in May, which means that everything stands still while I watch hours upon hours of pre-Derby events and attempt to pick the winner before "My Old Kentucky Home" is played by the U of L band. I picked the winner last year, but not this year.

I let my emotions rule my choice of horse this year. Yes, I wanted General Quarters to win the big race, mostly because he was a beautiful horse, and who could root against a 75 year old retired school principal who is the owner, trainer, groomer, etc. not to win?

Maybe the sheik. But his horses traveled around the world to not fare all that well.

I actually considered picking Mine that Bird, for the simple fact that I think Calvin Borell is a fun jockey to watch. But I looked at the odds and stuck with my emotional favorite.

And the unthinkable happened... the longshot won by a landslide and while my pick crossed the finish line 10th in the race... there is something extremely wonderful about a longshot flying by all the big shots and winning the roses.

Smells like chicken... or not

I walked into the back door of my home today and began frantically searching for my parents, whom I could only assume had died of smoke inhalation, as the house smelled quite like a fire had just recently been extinguished.

I was wrong.

Instead, the maternal unit had started boiling chicken for a chicken salad she had planned and then made the mistake of beginning to read a good book. The book was good enough for her to become so engrossed in it that she forgot all about the chicken.

You would think that the smell of scorched and burning chicken would bring her from her stupor. However, you must remember, if you didn't already know this, that the maternal unit has no sense of smell.

The paternal unit apparently does not either... unless of course he was smoking his pipe, in which case he might be off the hook. Once the rolling black smoked started pouring from the kitchen, the maternal unit ran to turn off the stove and open all the windows to air out the house.

This happened three hours before I came home. The smell was still VERY strong when I arrived.

Plan B was to make more chicken (yeah!) with mixed veggies and baked potatos.

And bread. She made bread too. Cut and sliced pieces of bread - buttered them and put them under the broiler.

And. Forgot. Them.

When I arrived in the kitchen to see dark smoke rising from the oven... well... let's just say that the smell of burning bread is just about the only thing that will cover the smell of scorched and burning chicken.

I am pretty sure that's why she burned the bread.

At least that's our story... and we're sticking to it!

Yes... it has been awhile

Sorry for not posting anything in so long. My excuse? I'm a college student again. Yes, that's right. After MANY years away from the classroom, I have returned. I never completed my Bachelor's degree. I have an Associate's degree... but I always wanted to finish completely.

I must admit that I was rather terrified at the thought of returning to homework assignments, essays and textbooks. So, in order to ease my transition back to that of higher learning - I decided to take only one class and it would be an online class. American History (I have 3 general ed classes to complete).

(Okay, I would have taken more classes, but the tuition costs are outrageous - and I could not afford more than one class)

My initial observations are that college students really don't pay very close attention to their work. Seriously. Because this is an online class, our weekly assignments consist of posting on a discussion board a 250 word "essay" that covers the reading text and answers the teacher's questions for the week. The instructions state that the posts need to be AT LEAST 250 words. This means it CAN be more, but must be at least that many.

For the first half of the semester - not one other student made it to the 250 word count. My first post? 420 words. The word count for some other students has finally inched up to that number, but it has taken quite some time to get there.

Another observation? College students today apparently do not know how to use a spell check function key... and as a result, their spelling is horrendous. Seriously. They also rarely complete a sentence or an actual thought. There are fragments galore throughout their postings.

We have two essay papers that we have to write. I was shaking in my proverbial boots over this aspect of college life. The last time I wrote an essay paper, I typed it on a Brother typewriter with a handy-dandy bottle of White-Out next to it. I drafted it long-hand and used index cards for bibliography notes!! There was no such thing as the internet - and I realized that I was indeed a rather old college student!

So, for the first essay paper I walked over to the library and checked out a couple of books. Yes! Books! Why? Because I feel comfortable in a library. I like books. I wanted my reference page to hold more than just internet website addresses. I wanted my instructor to KNOW I went to the library and READ a book to assist in the writing of my paper.

Our instructions were to have at LEAST (there's that term again) two pages of double-spaced writing that compared and contrasted the works/passions of two 18th century evangelists. You cannot possibly do that in JUST two pages! You have to show some background. My paper ended up at six pages, which included the reference page. I received a perfect score.

Our second paper was on the Emancipation Proclamation. I went back to the library. I checked out four books. I researched and read until my eyes were crossing. Now, I have just submitted my paper (a couple weeks early) and it came in at nine pages total. I am hopeful for another good grade.

I was never a good college student before, but I am digging it now! I will try to post here more often, now that the rest of my class will consist of simple weekly assignments, any extra credit work I want to do (I have already take a trip to the Stones River Battlefield) and the final exam.

Stay tuned!

Happy Birthday Mom - stay away from the Liquid Plumber

My mother turned 76 today. She almost didn't turn 76+ one day. Why? Apparently 76 year olds don't bother with instructions when it comes to using a drain cleaner. I am not certain if she was using Liquid Plumber or Drain-o... but she was attempting to unstop her bathroom sink, which had been running slow.

She chose to do this task on her birthday today. Don't ask me why. She poured the material in and failed to complete the task, which is to also pour water into the drain. Why did she not complete the task? She was busy multi-tasking.

So she was quite surprised and even shocked when a noxious fume began to billow out from the drainpipe. She was then overcome with the fumes and became light-headed and dizzy and stumbled from the bathroom area to yell at my 75 year old father to come help.

This was probably her way of saying "If I'm gonna die by noxious fumes... I'm taking you with me!" My father entered the bathroom that was now as foggy as good old London Town and proceeded to open the windows and run the water in the sink.

They have set up a fan in the bathroom in order to un-fumigate the back portion of the house. I have asked my mother to wait until we have completed the paperwork we are dealing with to refinance the house before she decides to knock herself off - and take Dad with her.

Nothing but good times ahead.

Happy Birthday Mom.

Ranting in the New Year

I recently had some friends comment that they missed my blogging, why wasn't I blogging, when was I blogging again and I had to be honest and say that there wasn't anything in my brain that I felt was blog worthy. There really were a few things in my brain, but I knew if I really blogged about them people would become upset with me and in the spirit of peace, I chose to keep my big mouth shut.

So, I have a few things I can blog about for a moment to make up for it. There is nothing like starting out the new year with some insightful rants!

1. What is it with smokers? Really? I don't get it. My mother used to be a smoker. My aunt and uncle and older brother smoked. I smoked for the look of being rebellious when I was in high school and the first year of college. Then I went back to a high school football game (because I was a college student and therefore much cooler than you... thankyouverymuch) and I came upon some kids who were smoking, and I saw how completely UNcool they looked and I realized I looked equally UNcool and that was the end of my smoking career. So, I never had to actually fight the addiction of smoking or nicotine or any of that mess.

I will now agree that my previous statement means I really have no frame of reference... but honestly... it is 3 degrees in Nashville right now. The windchill is like -5 degrees and there are people STANDING OUTSIDE SMOKING. I know because I can see them. My office has a wall of windows that looks to an area where people frequent for their smoke breaks. HELLO.... Frostbite much? There are hungry and homeless people who are dying because of exposure to this weather and you are voluntarily standing there inhaling a substance so horrible that it could kill you? Seriously?

2. Reality TV. I can be as bad as the next person when it comes to a television show I enjoy watching. I even enjoy some reality TV - The Amazing Race is probably my favorite. But some reality TV really gets to me.

American Idol. I understand the concept. I enjoy the talent when I get to watch the talent. But the audition process kills me. I fear there is such a desperate need to be "famous" or to have some "exposure" to that claimed 15 minutes of fame that people simply throw all caution to the wind and make fools of themselves. The answer that the AI faithful will give me is to simply not watch the show. So, I don't. I have probably seen a total of 90 minutes of American Idol in the history of its airtime. I know, I know. I live in my small mind. I just don't find watching train wrecks that entertaining. Maybe its just me.

Probably why I also refuse to watch The Bachelor or the Bachelorette or any of their spin-offs. When was it a good idea to COMPETE with 30 other people for one person's affection? In the REAL WORLD a woman who learns a man she is involved with is even looking at someone else, she has a real problem with said man. She NEVER stands in line to win his affection. Or, if she does, she certainly cannot BELIEVE that said relationship has a chance of going anywhere. Hello... Communicable disease?

3. I'm a college student. Again. I am taking a history class. American history. I have to read things that are important and I need to retain them. I have to write papers and essays and read books and write papers and I wonder if I have lost my mind. Most likely have. Doubtful that I will locate it in the near future. Especially if it is not labeled "American History: Location of the Mind". And can we talk about the high cost of college? Why am I only taking one class, you ask? Because I can only AFFORD one class. Very sad.

4. I am in my mid-40s and I still succumb to peer pressure. I was certain that would change as I aged. Apparently not so. Enough said.

Things that make you go ... EWWwww...

So, as it 'Tis the Season for gift buying, and therefore gift ideas, I did a search for the phrase Candy Dispenser on Google... thinking that might be a cool gift for someone who has everything.

I found the same candy dispenser that I received from a friend, but alas, they were no longer in stock. So I continued the search and found this:

Candy Dispenser: Same sex toys, 50% less, free shipping.

Now I need to take a shower 'cause I feel so yuckky...

Probably not gonna buy anyone a candy dispenser now.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

It’s only Rock-N-Roll, but I like it…

I am a musical girl. I come from a musical family. My mother taught piano and played piano and/or organ for almost my entire life. My father sings bass. My older brother can make music with just about any stringed instrument. He also sings bass. My younger brother played drums and sings in the tenor/baritone range. I play piano, flute, piccolo and sing in the soprano/alto range. I can sing tenor too… but that requires me to read the music instead of just sing along.

I love music of all forms. From classical orchestral arrangements to big band/jazz. I love the blues – Stevie Ray Vaughn or B.B. King. I can appreciate the Doors and Janis Joplin. I love Led Zeppelin and Kiss. I also love praise and worship music. In concert, I have experienced Elvis Presley, Jethro Tull, Heart, Kiss, Bon Jovi, Eric Clapton, Bob Dylan, CS&N, Aerosmith, Duran Duran, Michael Bolton, Motley Crue, Tom Petty, Steven Curtis Chapman, Travis Cottrell… the list goes on!

I also have a penchant for musical theater. I have seen Yul Brynner in The King & I. I saw Richard Harris perform Camelot. I have experienced the Phantom of the Opera at least five times now. I love Sweeney Todd and South Pacific and Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain!

Needless to say… when the music flows, there is some portion of my body that is keeping time.

On Labor Day, my body was somewhat confined due to the fact that I was driving my car. As AC/DC was offering Dirty Deeds – Done Dirt Cheap, I was tapping my left foot to the beat of the bass drum. My left hand was firmly placed on the steering wheel and my right hand was keeping beat with the snare drum on my gearshift.

I was enjoying myself so much that the needle on my speedometer was inching far too close to the 90mph mark. I laughed to myself as I was backing off the speed, but my right hand never missed a beat… and as the music crescendo’d, so did the force of my right hand. To the point that I have apparently broken a blood vessel and/or severely bruised the index finger of my right hand.

Seriously. I can barely bend my index finger and the joint is quite swollen. And a lovely shade of blue… with a touch of deep purples here and there.

Deep Purple… I like them too.

Ping Pong? Seriously?

I will admit that I am an average red-blooded American. My ping-pong exposure is minimal. It has been relegated to an occasional church youth function where one leg of the table is shorter than another and there is a hymnal attempting to level the playing field. I may have watched an entire match between a sibling and our maternal unit. My attention span never lasted as long as the match.

I have never felt compelled to sit and watch an entire ping-pong (or table tennis) match in my life. The fact that I experienced five minutes of said event last night as I watched the Olympics is saying a great deal.

Those are five minutes of my life that I will never get back.

I found myself chuckling – okay, it was an all out guffaw – at the table tennis athletes. These were people who take this sport seriously. I mean SERIOUSLY. They shifted their weight back and forth on the balls of their feet in eager anticipation of their opponent’s next move. They paced back and forth the length of the table. So what if that takes about two steps… those were two EAGER steps, I’m telling you! They were mopping sweat off their brows as if they just finished running a marathon.

They sweat! Playing ping-pong. Seriously.

There was crouching and angled shots and backhands and an entire room FULL of spectators! An entire room of people, under no visible means of duress, watched ping-pong. For more than five minutes. There were cheers and gasps of horror at the appropriate moments.

I think these may have been the same people who crowded in and watched badminton earlier in the games.

Badminton. The sport my grandmother could play. Before her hip surgery. A sport that, no matter how hard you hit the birdie, it is still going to drift lazily over the net. The sport that reminds me of the Bugs Bunny cartoon. You know the one… Baseball Bugs. Bugs takes five minutes to wind up his pitch, throws the ball, and yet it moves in slow motion over the plate. Badminton is a lot like that. Overhead arch swings, lower digs, smack downs just appear to be a waste of energy for an apparatus that will still simply drift over the net.

We are losing softball and baseball in the Olympic games; yet we will see plenty of badminton and ping-pong in 2012. Well, at least I’ll have four years to work up some excitement.

I might be older, and yet...

I believe the week before one's birthday may be a precarious time to submit oneself to an eye examination. Each annual visit finds me worried that it will be "The Year" that I find myself relegated to bifocals.

My eye doctor is extremely disappointed in me still, as I am currently not in need of said lenses - and she has been wearing them for a few years now.

Stinks to be her.

Whilst my older brother keeps getting older, my younger (baby) brother continues to enjoy taunting me. Each new birthday brings about a sense of expectation and wonder of what he will say this year. He turned 40 this year. 40!! 4-0. It was a day in which the angels wept and I rejoiced.

Until today, when he reminded me that I was closer to DEATH than he.

Whatever.

At least I still have my wits and my eyesight going for me. Unlike my maternal unit, who suffers from cataracts, but refuses to do anything about them. A legitimate fear brought about by her friend who actually lost one eye due to a botched cataract surgery. (Insert Katy dialogue here)

"Is she able to see okay out of the glass eye?"

There was much laughter about her faux pas until we witnessed the maternal unit walk across the floor and bend down to pick something up. She apparently having seen a "speck" of misplaced material of some sort. What was it she attempted to pick up and throw away? It was something she had attempted to pick up and throw away on a number of occasions, and she has been unsuccessful each time.

The item?

A sunbeam. A ray of light from the window.

(sigh)

Happy Birthday to me.

But God...

It has been a few years since my friend Carey Dean (who is at fault for just about anything that goes wrong in my life), has given me an assignment. In the old days, Carey would wake before the crack of dawn, and blame the Lord for it. In those moments, he would be greatly inspired and would do his best to inspire the rest of us on his ministry team. It worked for the most part.

However, there are two things that stand out in my mind that I didn't just jump right on board with. The first was a video marathon of a one man act depicting maybe his death and journey into eternity. I really am fuzzy on the details, because I just was NOT impressed with the presentation. I thought the script fell on the cheesy side and that the acting was mediocre at best. We came to the end of the drama (thank goodness... I thought) and I turned to my friend Carey, who was at my right side, but behind me, ready with a sarcastic remark -- and he sat there with tears streaming down his cheeks because he had been so moved. I quickly shut my mouth and moved on.

The second time was a fascinating study through Watchman Nee's Authority and Submission. This was brought to us by Carey after his back surgery and subsequent hours lying flat on his back. It is amazing what can happen when you are confined to your home for such long periods of time. So... Authority & Submission it was. To say I was excited about learning how to be submissive is a bit off the mark. I will admit that I learned many things that have stayed with me for all these years... and to my credit, I was really good with everything for about the first four or five chapters. But by chapter seven, I was done. I don't remember if I literally threw my book across the room, but I am certain I did so figuratively.

So, when Carey was gracious enough to listen to me whine (again) the other night and gave me a new assignment... I couldn't help but enter my thought process with a little timidity. But this study (which is ongoing) has been a much-needed exercise to my worn out soul. My assignment was to do a word study on the phrase "but God". But I felt I still needed to perform a penance from my bad thoughts of W. Nee... I didn't go online for my research, but spent about an hour going through my hard cover exhaustive concordance. And... I will spend more time still.

The great thing about my friendship with Carey and his family, is that once you have been shown a path... the journey is yours to take. You can take whatever exit ramp or off-road path you like. I am certain that my path will not mirror the Dean path... but we may see some of the same sights. Studying the Word with them is like standing next to each other at the rim of the Grand Canyon and relating what you see. It will be the same TRUTH overall, but from wonderfully unique angles and perspectives.

Since this is still a study in progress... I will only share what my initial impressions are at this point.

I began by simply listing the verses as I came across them in the concordance. Then I went through the scriptures and made notes of the meat of the verse. It became apparent to me that a good majority of the scriptures could be seen in a negative light. Phrases like "But God did not deliver; But God will wound; But God will rebuke; But God will destroy" would simply add fuel to the fire that constantly burns at the feet of the non-believer. And I have to admit that I was not in a great frame of mind when I started this... which is why the negative was probably brought to my mind. And then Truth reared its head.

God is not a negative God. That is not His attribute. (Something I learned in another Bible study with Mr. Dean - but with Tozer - that I enjoyed much more) If He is forbidding me to boast - that is not a negative action, though the word "forbid" is negative on its own merit. It is because of His great love for me that I am forbidden to boast. It is by His great love that He is my judge. That He demonstrates His love.

It is by His great love that He shows me I am not to call any man unclean. I have to admit that in the past few days, that has not just been my temptation... but my reality.

But God calls me to live by faith the Truth of His promises.

And so... the study continues...

Graduations and vacation!

Yes, both my middle nieces graduated this spring. It was a great experience to watch them both walk boldly across their respective stages and grasp the future and move on to the next part of the journey of their lives.

Then, it was time to head to Florida with Katy and her friend Shelby. (A trip for Allison and her family is scheduled for the fall) We left Sunday after church and this was a huge contrast to my expedition with Kristin & Kaylie a couple of years before.

First big difference - amount of luggage. When we took this trip with K&K in 06 - the car was packed so thick that I could not see out the back window. They took EVERYTHING they owned. They took Dresses!! They took 15 pair of sunglasses! It was aMAYzing!

K&S each had one piece of luggage. One. Piece of luggage. I had no problem seeing out the back of the car. There were no dresses and each had one pair of sunglasses. Hilarious. The trip started off great with my meeting Shelby's parents before I scampered off with the girls down 65 South. They were nice people and seemed to believe I was not going to turn into an ax-murderer. Or a slave-trader.

We hit the road and made our first stop just on this side of the state line for lunch... at which time Katy realized she needed to make a quick stop at a drug store and so we were delayed about 15 minutes. Then we made our second stop at the Alabama rest stop (with the big rocket) for a potty break and the first of the gift giving extravaganza.

We were tooling along rather nicely until we got just south of Birmingham where we (and everyone else on 65S) came to a complete stop because of a car accident. We pulled over towards the median to let emergency vehicles through and rolled down the windows and parked the car. Since we were stopped - it was time for gift two... the paddle ball! (It really doesn't take much to make people happy)

We stopped for gas and food in Troy, Alabama (with more gift giving) and then not again until we actually hit the beach! We rolled out of the car, in through the condo, out the sliding doors and onto the beach while the sun was just beginning to set! It was lovely. Great winds coming off the Gulf and lots of people still strolling up and down the sand. We spent a few minutes there enjoying the moment and stretching our legs before we went back to the condo to unload the car.

Then we sat down and went over the rules:

1) We don't do anything illegal. Which means we don't consume alcohol (they are both under 21) and we don't purchase or consume tobacco products (again, under 21)

2) We don't consume any illegal substances whatsoever.

3) We don't drink ANYthing that someone else hands us. We drink only our drinks or something we watch a waiter prepare for us.

4) We don't go into a boy's condo and boys don't come into ours. We can talk with boys at the pool or beach, but no going into another's area.

They were great with the rules and we hit the nearest Publix for perishable foods then came back to crash. I had the bedroom - they had the sofa that pulls out into a bed. They went back to the beach before bed and I crashed as soon as they returned.

We spent the days at the pool and at the beach and we spent the evenings playing putt putt or hanging on the beach. It was good times. We ate at Pineapple Willy's on Monday night - because you just CAN'T go there without eating at Pineapple Willy's. Then we ate at the Boatyard - which just was not a great experience. Katy & I had enjoyed it the summer before with all the rest of the family, but this time the food just was not great. The scenery is pretty and it made for a fabulous shot of the two girls - but we should have gone to the Treasure Ship (another fam fave) instead.

We went to the maze - and I won! Of course! The girls even decided that it would be two against one. The youth against the old lady and they entered the maze a full 60 seconds before me. I left the maze a full 7 minutes before them. It was great fun. I hope that when I am 80 I will still enjoy that family tradition. Of course, the walker will slow me down, but that's okay!

We did a little shopping before we left town. Not a whole lot. We all got henna tattoos on our right ankle of three stars. Katy had planned to get a tattoo similar to her sister's (who got hers here two years prior) but she lost a bet with her father as to who would win American Idol. So, we had to settle for henna ones with glitter over them from Alvin's Magic Island. Big fun there!

That was our trip. It was a lot of fun and without any drama. Plenty of memories to go around for a while. Now back to the grind of our daily lives!

I just keep getting older...

... my kids are too quickly reaching adulthood - and the perils that lay in wait for them.

My Katy has attended her senior prom. In just 12 more days (Good Grief!) she will be a high school graduate! How can this be?!

Where is the little linebacker that was born oh so many years old? I always called her a linebacker because as a toddler, she was just rough and ready! Throwing her weight around and not kow-towing to anyone!

As an infant, she was quite a handful. Literally! She reFUSED to go to sleep... fearing, I am certain, of what she would miss. It fell on me, more often than not, to get her to sleep. I would wrap her up tightly in a blanket and take her into an area of the house that was the darkest and quietest and walk with her until she finally gave in to the sleep that was so desperately needed.

She had problems with her eyes as a little one and was given glasses to wear even before she was completely potty-trained - I think. She was never one to suffer those glasses for long and she had corrective surgery that took care of the problem.

Wasn't that just yesterday? I am certain that little one should not look as grown as this now:

Ah well... I think I'm off to purchase a rocker at Cracker Barrell to ease my way into senility!

I'll Have Fries with That

Well, it is official. I have been minus an organ for one year now. It is hard to believe that my gall bladder has been gone for that length of time... and I can still think fondly of my hospital stay and surgery experience.

That says a lot coming from a chicken like me!

So, how does one celebrate the one year anniversary of the removal of one's gall bladder? Why, one heads to the nearest Burger King and orders a Number One Meal - medium sized - with a Coke! (That's a Quarter Pounder with cheese, for those who don't know)

You see... I have not had a hamburger (or red meat for that matter) in the past year. I have nibbled on a meatball in sauce a couple of times, but I don't think that really counts. I have not had a steak, or roast, or anything else that resembles a cow.

Well. Milk. I drink milk. But that's not the same.

So, I hit the LaVergne Burger King at about 3:30 on the 18th (the official day) and placed my order. Did I want the whole meal, or just the burger? Well... if I'm going to do this - let's go all out!

I ripped into that bag like I had been fasting for 40 days. The fries were gone by the time I got back to my house. Then, it was time for the real deal - and my teeth sank into that meat and the ANGELS SANG!!! I had forgotten what a charbroiled hunk of meat tasted like. Sigh.

The even greater joy is that this dash to debauchery didn't ripped my tummy up. Some would argue that this means I can indulge in the joy of fast food burgers to my heart's content.

Alas - I believe I will leave it to a celebration on April 18. But at least now I have something to look forward to during tax season!!!

You Could Grow Crabs Somewhere

Girlfriends are great. They lift you up when you are down. They humble you when you are proud. They have insight beyond wisdom and they will eat chocolate with you until you puke.

I have had my share of great gal pals during my life. When I was in elementary school, my buds were Laura and Connie. We went through school together from fourth grade on. We were all SHS Bulldogs and proud of it. We parted ways once college hit - although I did have a number of classes with Laura. But Laura got married and we lost touch. Connie went to work while I stayed in school and we lost touch for a number of years, but we see each other now on a weekly basis and I am honored with her abiding friendship.

My best friend Mary (that is her official title - because whenever I reference her name, it is always "my best friend Mary") did not come into my life until I had graduated high school. She is a year older than me and already had a year of college under her belt when tragedy brought us together. Her father was the youth director at the church I attended. He was killed much too early in life in a motorcycle accident and I met Mary while we were both grieving his loss. Hers being much greater than mine, of course.

Mary is a person who you can go for months without talking to and pick right up where you left off. Mary lives in another state, married a great guy and named her only child after Jerry's grandmother and me. How cool is that?! The family was in town for Easter recently and I got to spend some time with them. I have determined Mary & Jerry are the BEST.PARENTS.EVER because Lora Cathryn has turned out so well. I'd like to take LOADS of credit for this by way of some sort of osmosis... but that really isn't very fair. Needless to say - if the phone rings in the middle of the night and it is Mary - I will do whatever needs to be done. No questions asked. No hesitations. Done. And I know Mary would say the same for me.

Lisa was my first roomate after college. We spent a couple of years laughing hysterically at life and people we watched do stupid things. We lived in an apartment in the middle floor of a complex. That was a big mistake. Mostly because we were certain the middle-eastern man below us was a terrorist manufacturing some sort of explosive device (What in the world can one person do with THAT.MUCH.FERTILZER?) and drug dealers living above us. (Are they playing FOOTBALL up there?!) We were grateful for the night that Lisa heard something scratching outside her bedroom window and found a huge extension ladder leading to the floor above. Garbage bags filled with who-knows-what peppered the ground and people made their way up and down - and then we never heard or saw those people again. Lisa is now a school teacher and works with community theater here - and is a darn fine actress!

Lou and Amy fall in BFF category because of their wit and ability to roll with the punches. We make annual treks either to the mountains or the beach for girl time away from the hassles of work and other monotonous daily grinds. We accept each other for what we are and we move on ahead. We can and do disagree at times, but we typically don't let those disagreements snag our friendships.

And then... there is Requelle.

Requelle is a girl that when I first met I never thought would be in the BFF category. Mostly because we are both controllers and we were thrown together (the fault of Carey Dean - as are most things in life) in a working environment that really embraced unity and teamwork. That looked great on paper, but in the real world - there were two chefs in the kitchen. Both wielding large knives at the other one. Both trying not to kill Carey Dean on any given day... for any given reason.

We worked together a good year before we really started to click. We finally began to see the other's strong points and weak points and how we could best relate to each other. There were plenty of times of asking and receiving forgiveness and we lived through productions and conventions and hours upon hours of light settings! Once you have been down that road - you are BFFs whether you intended it or not.

One of the best parts of our relationship - as far as I am concerned - is our ability to laugh together and dream together. If I can make Req laugh until she pukes - I consider my day a huge success! If I can say or do something that embarrasses the smack out of her - the bonus comes from watching her blush - followed by laughter that will make her hurl. I love that part of my relationship.

We are two single girls who have never been married - but would still like that privilege. We have conjured our individual dream men (Emerson and Jonas) and what traits we would like said men to embody. Mine would be a tall, wealthy rancher in Montana (horse ranch, BTW, not cows) who already has kids and doesn't want any more. Said children are pre or newly teens who love me just because I'm me.

Req doesn't share this dream. She needs to be near a large body of salt water - and Utah's lake just doesn't count.

While we were talking about this the other day, I was attempting to figure out what my saltwater friend could do in the wilds of Montana and still be happy. I remembered that everytime she goes home to Maryland, she returns with pounds and pounds of crabmeat, which she then turns into some sort of delicacy that I simply don't get behind. But that's just me. It was this thought process that forced the following statement from my mouth:

"You could grow crabs somewhere"

There was the shortest breath of a pause before we both burst into laughter and I visualized Requelle pulling her car over to save her upholstery from a fate worse than... well... you get the pictures.

Best Friends Forever.

Be that way...

I called to wish my friend Req a Happy Birthday today. I asked if she liked her birthday present... as we had some snow on the ground and I was taking complete credit for it. She gushed on and on and ON about the purity and loveliness that is snow and how blessed her day is because of it.

Then I realized my birthday is in August. The most I could hope for is a tornado or hurricane passing through.

Req's birthday gets a pretty blanket of fluffy white stuff. My birthday gets death and destruction.

Life is so not fair.

Happy Birthday Req!

Why Are You Dressed...

... like a dead country music icon?


1) Because its Valentine's Day

2) Because I am having a bad hair day

3) Because my face has broken out

4) Because I started my period

5) All of the above

So BACK OFF before I hack you to pieces with a kitchen knife AND feel good about it!

"You're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat"

In the summer of 1975 I was 11 years old and there was the newest sort of horror film on the big screen. It was horrific not for men dressed as women and stabbing through a shower curtain, but because the film depicted something that the 11 year-old brain could conceive as a possibility.

Especially in the summer. Especially right before a family vacation to Daytona Beach, Florida.

I am talking about the movie Jaws. Like most young people, I watched the commercials advertising this movie – complete with the creepy music – and wondered at the mysteries of the deep blue ocean. I never thought my father would actually deign to take my family and me to this film, but away we went.

We traveled to the old Belle Meade Theater in Nashville one evening and plopped ourselves down in the cushioned seats with soft drinks and popcorn perched precariously between my younger brother and myself. The theater darkened. The creepy music began and film life was recreated for me in an instant.

I watched an almost-nude woman swim through the ocean as her drunken boyfriend passed out on the shore. I sat transfixed as said woman thrashed about and clung to a buoy for dear life and my eyes widened when she went under and never came back for air. I laughed at the dialogue between a group of fisherman and Matt Hooper and came out of my seat when the disembodied head popped out of the hull of a stranded boat. (I think popcorn went flying through the air).

The following week my family was indeed on Daytona Beach and I flatly refused to enter the water. My father, never one to cower to fear, promptly threw me over his shoulder and marched to the depths of the Atlantic Ocean. And. Dropped. Me. In. It. He stood in my way and did not allow retreat and I accepted that while I could indeed become shark bait, perhaps Jaws would see my father’s bulk and determine that I was not worth the trouble when there was such meat food to eat. Selfish of me, I know… but it is a shark-eat-shark world when you are up to your neck in the briny deep.

However, I loved the movie. Loved it, loved it, loved it. I will still watch it to this day if I am surfing the channels and happen upon it. I have my own DVD whenever the mood strikes to relive my childhood or to quote a movie. Thus began my love for this film and for all the actors and characters attached to it.

I loved the sarcastic, yet intelligent wit that was found in Matt Hooper’s character. My favorite line of his:

“I think that I am familiar with the fact that you are going to ignore this particular problem until it swims up and BITES YOU ON THE _____!!”

I loved that Robert Shaw appeared in this film (as I had seen him as a villain in a James Bond movie) and he gave a stunning performance as he described having been on the Naval vessel Indianapolis that sank during WWII:

“… until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'.”

But the most memorable quote from that film (for me) comes from Chief Brody, who has finally seen the shark for the first time (with the rest of the audience)

“You’re gonna need a bigger boat.”

Roy Schneider, Chief Brody, died today of a staph infection. He was 75 years old. He had been treated for cancer over the past years and the acting world as well as the community at large will surely miss him, as he was a proponent for arts in education. He was a fine actor who received a couple of Oscar nominations, though the trophy itself eluded him.

A well-loved actor left his mark on the world and the community around him. His talent will certainly be missed.

Gotta Love Super Tuesday

While I was huddled in the hallway of my home praying the storms away, I had family members in Arkansas oblivious to my pain and fear.

But, at least, they stood close enough to be caught on film. The bottom left is my cousin, who is standing in front of my aunt (hogging the limelight! Ha!) The little boy on the front row is her oldest son and the man in the denim shirt behind him is her father, my favorite uncle. (Of course, he is also my ONLY uncle.)

But where, oh where, is her youngest son? He'd be right about here:

Not even the promise of a political landslide victory will keep him from snoozing away.

Poor little guy. Ah well...

Be Careful of that 75th year!

I am typically not one to warn people of impending birthday doom; however, if your 75th birthday is even remotely comparable to my mother’s 75th birthday… you are going to want to plan ahead.

1) Plan ahead to "fake out" your true age.
As my maternal unit approached her 75th birthday, it appeared she wanted to make sure the world didn't "realize" she had reached such a milestone. So, two weeks prior to the birthday she felt she needed to move a microwave and a stand-alone freezer. By. Herself. She did pretty well until she twisted the wrong way on the knee she'd had surgery on. This found her propped up in the bed with a large amount of pillows under her knee and ice packs over her knee. She hobbled along for a few days with a goodly amount of determination that she was "better" and had no need for a physician.

Having finally achieved her walking status, the week prior to her 75th day found her moving a large space heater from one room to another. With. No. Help. This became problematic when she dropped said space heater On. Her. Bad. Knee.

Strike Two. Back to the bed for a few days. Alternating between ice packs and heating pads and swallowing Advil, as if it were the finest chocolate. No plans for medical treatment in her future.

Never let them see you age.

2) Plan ahead to receive pornography on your computer.
Considering that she has recently retired, the maternal unit made a decision to cash in her 401K plan. About two days prior to her 75th birthday, she made an online request for the necessary forms from her 401K provider. So, when she received an email with the subject line "Here's What You Requested" she logically assumed she was receiving her requested forms.

Never assume.

What she received instead is nothing that she has ever requested online before. Namely still photographs of writhing bodies in various stages of ecstasy and completely unclothed. Those artistic works also attached a virus to her computer and now she cannot seem to get away from said writhing bodies. Nor can we seem to remove them from the hard drive. (Attach tacky comment here)

This wasn't the most disturbing of developments for me; rather, my father's interest in said writhing bodies. My father, who is only eight months younger than my mother, never comes near the computer.

"What kind of porn did you get?"

"What do you mean, what kind? It was porn."

"What did it look like?"

"Nekkid people."

"What were they doing?"

Silence.

"Were they still pictures or was it moving pictures?"

"Still pictures. It was pictures of (_______)"

"Oh."

Thankfully the discussion ended there before I had to intervene with a lecture to my very adult parents. Some things I remain grateful for.


3) Plan ahead for Home Repairs
A 75th milestone is not one to move about with stealth or guile. It will smack you in the head with the reminder that you are not invincible... and neither is your 40 year old home. Gremlins will attack and they may head for the electrical system.

I have warned my parents of the inevitability of our failing electrical system at Casa De Bell for some time now. I said this because we have replaced the roof (thanks to a hail storm), replaced the plumbing (thanks to some frozen pipes), and replaced the heating and cooling system (thanks to the age and condition of the old unit). It only stood to reason that the next phase would be the electrical wiring.

Our home is very old. I believe it was originally built in the 50s. Then, the owner built onto the original structure two more times. We are powered with fuseboxes. Five of them. When we first moved into the house, we went through and mapped out which fuses went to which lines and we keep a piece of paper with notes telling us which fuses operate which rooms, etc.

We replace fuses all the time. We could probably take the amount of money we have spent on fuses for the past twenty years and build another addition on to our home. Or a swimming pool in the back yard. One was never certain what caused the fuse to blow. Perhaps you were running a load of laundry and decided to make a pot of coffee. Or you were watching TV and turned on a lamp. The fuse would blow. There was no rhyme or reason.

So, when the lights in the living room started flickering recently I said that all encompassing phrase: uh-oh. (It stinks to be a prophet, when you know said prophecy is going to cost a lot of money!) We lived with flickering lights for a couple of weeks before we actually lost all power to the living room and kitchen.

On. The. 75th. Birthday.

The maternal unit did not take this latest blow very well. But, she was able to do an internet search (beyond the porn) to find an electrician.

Mr. Sparky.

(Insert bad attempt at humor over the name in light of the recent pornographic material here)
Mr. Sparky is a company that does work on electrical problems for the home. The representative we had was a wonderfully nice fellow who braved hurricane conditions to travel to our home and see what he could do. We had a number of problems, all of which were fixed in a goodly amount of time, and Mr. Sparky left with the intention of returning the next day to give us an estimate on what it would take to bring our electrical system into the 21st century.

It will take a lot. It is taking place even as I type. It will take an electrical crew an entire day to complete. But then we will love life and everyone in and around our circles of influence as the gremlins will have been exorcised back to the pits of hell.

The youngest of the siblings took the 75th celebrant and his two older siblings out to dinner to celebrate. He took us to a Sushi bar/Hibachi grill for good food and relaxation for the maternal unit who was inundated with emotions from having received porn and a large estimate for electrical work. But, all was well with the world as our Grill Master sliced and diced before us.

Until the cell phone rang.

The power was back off at Casa De Bell and Mr. Sparky was nowhere to be found.

But, we have held the gremlins at bay for the past two days. Our freezer was emptied and foodstuffs were taken to the church for storage, and we figured out how to keep the power on in the two affected rooms.

Turn on the stove.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. When the lights and power go out in the living room and kitchen, simply turn the knob of any stove eye and the power will return. For approximately 15 minutes.

Gremlins. You gotta love 'em.

Happy Birthday Mom.