Monday, February 14, 2011

Grammy ReWind 2011

I am officially an old person. I know this because I just sat through the entire 2011 Grammy show and wished for the days when the weirdest artist out there was Alannis Morrisette. An artist who I really like… but weird in her time.

I am also old because I was looking forward the most to Bob Dylan, Mick Jagger and Barbra Streisand. So… having issued that disclaimer, here are my thoughts on this rather lackluster evening:

Red Carpet:
I made the mistake of turning the channel just in time to see Lady Gaga being unloaded onto the shoulders of male models with nice pecs. Gaga is in an egg. An. Egg. She cannot be bothered to be interviewed because she is incubating.
Maybe the correct term should be incubus.

I stopped listening to this nonsense when I heard the words womb and dilating in reference to Gaga’s departure from said egg onstage. We must all wait patiently for what will be the great birthing of this legend…. Blah, blah, blah. We learn this is not entirely true as it appears that Gaga is clothed in black in said opaque egg and her emergence onstage is in something yellow. At some point G has left the birthing canal for a costume change. Now I just feel cheated. Okay, I don’t really feel cheated at all.

Oh look. Rhianna. Wearing a mesh dress of white Christmas garland. That’s a little past the season. Unless my friend Brent still has his Christmas d├ęcor up… then she is fine.

Look who else… Eva Longoria and Kim Kardashian(sp?) Because when I think of music awards, I immediately think of Eva and Kim. Riiiiight. Kim’s dress had to be refitted today because it did not fit over her booty.

Thanks for sharing Kim.

Let’s get to the show, shall we?

The opening performance is a tribute to Aretha Franklin featuring Yolanda Adams, Jennifer Hudson, Martina McBride, Christina Aguilera, and Florence Welch. I love the music. I mean, who doesn’t love the soulful music of Aretha Franklin? I think individually these women all have strong pipes and make their own beautiful music. But having them all end on the same song and try to out do each other? Tacky. It was nice until the end.

And then Christina stumbles off her shoes.

Lady Gaga: Raise your hands if you are a fan of “This is Spinal Tap” and are holding your breath and hoping the pod/egg will not open? I see that hand!! I do! I really was wishing for a wonderfully bad timed pod/egg malfunction. But alas. I now get to hear Gaga sing different words to Madonna’s “Express Yourself”.

I say this because as G was singing her song, I was able to sing the lyrics to Express Yourself and it completely fits.

I am worried that I know the words to Express Yourself.

G has some pipes. She’s just so freakin’ weird. I am not saying she can’t sing, I am saying having that kind of ability and then wrapping it up in freakishness isn’t really as creative as it looks. Instead, it looks like you’re trying to hide a lack of talent.

Live and sing free Gaga! Don’t stay in that cocoon of awkwardness any longer.

Justin Biebers: Did I spell his name right? I don’t know. I’ll just refer to him as Beebs from this point on.

Why are there Ninja drummers and Ninja acrobats onstage with the Beebs? Does anyone know? Because when I think of the Grammys… I automatically think of Ninjas. Don’t you?

Oh. Wait. There’s a Will Smith child onstage. This song must have been from the Karate Kid movie. That explains the Ninjas. Kind of. At any rate, the Beebs has talent and moves, and a relationship with Usher, who has now joined the party.

Uh-oh. Usher’s shades went flying. He’s not nearly as cool as he was just a few seconds ago. I can’t remember a time I have seen Usher perform without shades. This may be a Grammy first! They really are doing a good job. But, I don’t get the whole Beebs fever thing.

Then again, I’m not a pre-pubescent girl.

Bob Dylan: A moment I have been waiting for. I’ve seen Dylan in concert a couple of times and he puts on a really good show.

Who are these people? Mumford & Sons? Is that like Sanford and Sons, only different? And then there’s this other band… Avert something? Where is Dylan? I thought it was going to be…

There he is! Bob!! Remember me from Nashville?

Bob? Clear your throat Bob. I’ve been rooting for you here Bob.

Wait just a minute. I sit through two songs PRE-Bob by two bands I don’t know and then Bob comes out and I get a verse and a chorus and three blows on the harmonica? I’m feeling a little cheated again here.

Lady Antebellum: I don’t know a lot about this group because they are a country group… but the one song they do that is so popular is pretty beautiful and I think they harmonize very well… and I know they are generous people.

Cee Lo Green & Gwyneth Paltrow… and a few muppets – Oh My.

Confession time: I actually kinda really love this song.

Let me rephrase. I love the G rated version of this song. I am appalled at the X rated version (because I think it is worse than an R rating) But the G rated version has a great beat and so… there you have it.

Now… Cee Lo is looking a little George Clinton & Funkadelic and I have NO idea why there are muppets on the show… but I get the Gwyneth tie because she did this song when she appeared on Glee. If nothing else, I want Gwyn’s shoes and this is the most colorful event of the night.

Best New Artist Award: Getting ready for the Beebs’ fan base to being shrieking.

BUT NO!!! The award goes to Esperanza Spaulding! No one can believe it. Not even the Beebs can believe it!

Raise your hands if you know who Esperanza Spaulding is. (Crickets chirping)

I have a feeling Google is going to be overloaded for searches for her, since no one has heard of her. But… you Go Girl!

But… Esperanza apparently plays the upright bass. So, she’s pretty cool in my book.

The Beebs is watching her play upright bass from the audience and he is still in shock. He can’t even spell Esperanza.

Mick Jagger: Well Mick… you still got the moves and the pipes. You go on with your bad self. Classic.

Barbra Streisand: Ahhh… Evergreen. Babs is introduced by Kris Kristofferson who played opposite her in “A Star is Born”, which was the first R-rated movie I ever saw.

Sidenote: my mother took me to see A Star is Born. I think it may have been the first and last movie my mother took me to see. We went because we love music. We were not expecting curse words and nudity.

My mother announced that we were not expecting curse words and nudity to the entire movie audience at the time. I sank into my seat and tried to pretend I didn’t know her.

Back to Babs.

I love this song. It reminds me of the movie. I don’t agree with Babs on any number of political positions… but the sister can sing. AND… her performance actually has a melody and full orchestrations. Take that! Rhianna.

But for the LOVE, Grammy producers! What would make you think a great segueway would be to go from BABS to handing an award to Eminem for RAP? Were you smoking Crack when you put this show together? You go from BABS to a standing ovation to a commercial break you Jack Wagons!

Here’s John Cougar Mellencamp/Cougar/Mellencamp’s illegitimate love child P. Diddy… Diddy… or Sean Combs… or Sean John… or Puff Daddy… or Puff Pastry. Crap. I can’t keep up with this man’s name. And when did he go all GRILL on us? Seriously affecting your speech pattern there Diddy, er, Daddy, er… whatever.

More Rhianna. With Drake. I don’t know who Drake is… and I only know Rhianna because of her hair and her ability to make me want to stuff cotton balls in my ears. Not a fan of Rhianna. Its just the tone of her voice that grates on me. Others like her and that’s fine. I am not a fan of the bedazzled chastity belt she is wearing… but I like the color of her hair.

You know… I liked Empire State of Mind for about the first 150 times I heard it. I’m kinda over it now.

Arcade Fire: I have no idea who this group is… I am just grateful that I don’t suffer from epilepsy. I also don’t know why there are dirt bike riders on stage. Because when I think of the Grammys, I immediately think of dirt bike riders.

And pro football players… because Clay Matthews was there earlier. And I ALWAYS think of Pro Football players when I think of the Grammys.

And… Arcade Fire wins the big prize at the end.

And all the dirt bike riders in America rejoiced.

And I could finally stop watching and do my homework.


Mary said...

I only turned to the Grammy's for a about 5 minutes and was right on target to hear the trio of John M./Johnny Depp, Nora J. and Keith U. doing Dolly's "Jolene."

Don't hate me but I really enjoyed it. I felt it was enough for me and changed the channel before I got disgusted by someone.

Cbell said...

Actually they really were good. I agree. I forgot to mention that part. I must say John Mayer was definitely channeling his inner Johnny Depp.